And This All Started With a Popup
by in.the.pursuit.of.snark
Summary: What happens when Cartman get a coupon for a free set of Hetalia units? What happens when he decides to cash it in? Broken bones, tears (both happy and sad), madness, insanity, and strange foreign foods all included! (We are not reponsible for any injuries from refusing correspond with our manual's instructions.)
1. Prologue

**Hey guys, this is a new story I am working on. so there's not a lot of crossovers between my two favorite fandoms, so I decide to give it try as a challenge. A unit fic. Hopefully, I won't fail balls at this.**

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Pop

Click.

Pop.

Click.

Pop.

Click.

This was how Eric Cartman's Saturday was going. Why he wasn't out at a bar, partying with bucketfuls of alcohol was the real mystery. Well, it was a long story. Preferably one he would rather not tell. But it did have to do with half of the school bolting to the bathroom stalls to hurl the cafeteria's mystery meatloaf.

Cartman's eyes narrowed. He was getting attacked by these pop-ups, no matter how many times he clicked them. But a new one caught his eye. In bright fuchsia font, it proclaimed, "FREE SET OF HETALIA UNITS! ALONG WITH NEW, `SPECIAL`, UNRELEASED, ONE OF A KIND, UNITS!"

Cartman's eyes suddenly took on an air of interest. Free? Now there was something. He quickly scanned the popup again.

"Print out your free Hetalia units coupon and redeem it at your local lotto office!"

Cartman grinned. He had heard about the Hetalia units. They were the newest and most popular replacement boyfriends for lonely teenage girls right now and almost every girl would kill to get one. However, they ranged from a few hundreds to thousands and they were high maintenance. Fortunately, the company who manufactured the units had a habit of giving random units to almost anyone who had internet connection.

Cartman rubbed his hands gleefully together. He had a plan.

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**Cartman, I do not want to know what you did at school. More to come.**


	2. Bunny Wearing Dude

**Swearing! Don't like, don't read.**

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"You want to cash in this!?"

The clerk exclaimed, his eyes as wide as saucers.

"Um yeah, I want to." Cartman rolled his eyes. "Is there a problem?"

He had been getting that reaction a lot and he had no idea why. Frankly, it was pissing him off. Kenny was tagging along, just to get away from his drunken alcoholic parents, his usual reason for following Cartman.

"Yes- I mean no, but haven't you-"the frustrated clerk shook his head frantically. "You know what? Never mind."

He handed Cartman his coupon back and nonchalantly stated, "Your first unit shall arrive today."

Cartman let out a sigh. Finally, this mother fucker finished stuttering and gave him what he needed.

"Mmmph! Mmmph mmph?" Kenny muffled questioningly as they walked back to Cartman's house.

"Oh, my plan. Cartman smiled deviously. "I'm going to sell them on E-bay. I bet we'll get a couple thousand from the new fad to have these stupid robot things."

When Cartman and Kenny arrived back at the Cartman residence, they found a man and a truck waiting for them, both sporting the same mint green flying rabbit.

"Excuse me, anyone home?" the man called out, lost.

"No one's home you dumbass. My mom's gone on vacation." Cartman lamented, sarcastic.

The man turned to him, still having that baffled look on his face. "But I thought someone ordered a Hetalia unit from this house, am I right?" The young man's face turned into panic. "Oh blimey, did I get the address wrong again? My boss is going to-"

"No, no, you got the address right." Cartman smirked. "I ordered them."

The man's face once again morphed into confusion. "You? Teenage girls are usually our customers. I thought maybe a sister of yours or-"

"Are you going to give me my package?" Cartman's eyes turned into slits.

The man instantly turned pale. "N-no sir. Here's your p-package."

He then proceeded to dump a huge wooden box on Cartman's lawn.

"Holy shit, this thing is fucking huge!" Cartman yelped.

The delivery man shrugged. "That's what you got expect from the Hetalia units. You next two should arrive in less than half a week."

And with that, the delivery man drove his flying bunny truck out of Cartman's and Kenny's sight.

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**Please review. Every time someone reviews, I feel inclined to continue. Critiques are welcome. Can you guess who the unit it is**?


	3. the Turk

**I AM SO SORRY FOR CUTTING BACk ON THIS STORY. I AM ALSO SO SORRY THIS SO SHORT. I had to cut it back because if I typed up the entire chapter, it would take forever to update. Got busy updating with other fics. Enjoy this chapter!**

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Kenny and Cartman watched until bunny dude drove away off the face of the earth, or at least until he was out of sight.

Cartman turned to look at Kenny. "Well what now?"

Kenny nodded his head toward the box. "Mmph mmph mmph?"

"Well, duh!" Cartman smacked Kenny over his head. "Of course we open the fucking box!"

_"Why would you ask then?"_ thought Kenny as he rubbed his sore spot.

Cartman attempted to push the wooden crate in any sort of way, but it refused to budge. Finally, after 17 failed tries, Cartman gave up and went to get a metal roller.

When they finished rolling the unit into Cartman's living room, Cartman carefully inspected the large container. He found ad thin paper book poking out of the side.

He read aloud the title. "The User guide and Owner's manual for the SADIK ADAN unit." He flipped to the next page.

"Okay, it says here that he responds to Sadik, Turkey, the Turk, Ottoman Empire, and baba. Yadyadyad." Cartman's eyes glazed over. "Place of Manufacture, blah, height, blah, weight, blah, length… covers two continents?! Damn."

Cartman skipped over the accessories section and began to read aloud the programming paragraphs.

"So basically, we can use him to get cash for ourselves. Fucking awesome!" Cartman smiled slyly. "So we can choose whether he can be an Artist, an enforcer, debater, or a chef. Don't like any of those, but I guess chef or debater could work."

Cartman peered over the box to see is Kenny was paying any attention at all.

"So it says to remove this unit dude, you need to 'wake him up.'" Cartman rolled his eyes. "That's stupid. He should wake up whenever I tell him to."

He scanned over the methods.

"The first method is to drag a dumb cat in here. The second method is to brew coffee, the third method is to play music, and the fourth method is to place another unit here. Well that's not going to work." Cartman scoffed. "He's our first unit." He glanced at the last method. "The last one is to politely ask using... Turkish Endearments?! Hell no!"

"Which ones are we supposed to use? Most of them are shit. Kenny? Kenny!" Cartman glared daggers at him.

Kenny was hunched over his phone, quietly muffling into it, not giving a single fuck about what Cartman was saying.

"Get of my phone, Kenny!" Cartman barked.

Kenny gave Cartman a peeved look and hung up.

Cartman angrily tapped his foot.

"Well? Why don't you help me in waking this robot thing up?"

Kenny rolled his eyes and then pointed at method three. "Mmph Mmmph!"

"Three? Why that?"

**_-Ding Dong-_**

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**OH NO WHO IS IT?**


	4. Dangerous Wood Peices

Stan normally wasn't someone who skipped his weekly piano practice session to help his friends with their 'unit dilemma'.

So they better be damn thankful he did it this time.

He sighed as he rang Cartman's doorbell. He could really use some chamomile tea now. Or maybe some lavender. Oooh, black tea sounded great right now.

"Stan? What the fuck are you doing here?"

Stan found himself suddenly staring into Cartman's piggy eyes. Right. "Kenny called me here. Apparently, you had another one of your 'Get rich quick' schemes, and he wanted me to provide back up. From what he's read, the manual says that unit can break several bones and possibly a major organ."

Cartman leaned against the door frame, making it clear that he wasn't letting Stan inside anytime soon. "I don't need your help for your information. For one thing, Kenny was the one who called you over. And second, how bad can it be? They're robots. I'm pretty sure that they wouldn't be selling these things if there's a casualty rate involve-"

In background, some jaunty up beat foreign music began to play. "KENNY?! What the shit are you doing?" Cartman shouted as he quickly rushed back in, with Stan walking behind him.

Stan walked into a living room with an enormous box in the center, with Kenny to side playing the weird song on an iPhone. Kenny saw the enraged Cartman ahead of time and was able to dodge Cartman's hands of doom, but not before noticing that the box was beginning to convulse.

"Mmmph. (Shit.)"

He motioned to Stan with his hands to jump behind the couch. Cartman, on the other hand, wasn't as lucky as the (extremely) sharp remnants of the box began to fly.

"OW! AUUGH! FUCK! Dude, stop- ACK!"

**Sometime later…**

The music thankfully had stopped, along with 'the Turk's' dance movements. After grabbing a few band aids to cover up Cartman's injuries ('Sadik' as he said, kept profusely apologizing for nearly stabbing Cartman to death with his groove), the trio was ready to get serious about the whole unit situation.

"So…" Stan began hesitantly. "You're Sadik Adnan?"

The masked man nodded proudly. "The one and only!"

Stan looked over at the sulky Cartman to see if he was going to shoot off his mouth and piss him off like he usually did. When no cacophony came out, he decided it was safe to proceed on.

"Umm. Excuse me, Cartman and I need to talk for a moment." He looked at Kenny. "Hey Kenny, why don't you and Sadik here play a video game?"

Kenny nodded and ushered the unit away. Meanwhile, Stan got down to business with Cartman.

"Cartman." He hissed. "What are you thinking? How in the world are you going to get rich from a Turkish man?"

Cartman smirked. "A rock has more of life than you do Stan. These units are the hottest things on the Web among girls now! I got a coupon for a full set, so I'll just sell 'em all off for a grand or two!"

Stan scowled at Cartman's contented and proud grin as he skimmed through the manual. He quickly found a flaw in Cartman''s plan.

"Bad news man. You can't sell him." Stan jabbed his finger at the notice printed on the manual. "It's against the company's policy."

Cartman waved it off. "So what? The law's never stopped us before!"

Stan made a pained expression and looked over at Sadik, who was pouting as Kenny kicked his ass in Super Mario Bros. "I looked over at the manual a bit and apparently, this guy is not someone who you want to mess with. You saw what he did to you, conga lining solid wood into your organs! And dude, I think I saw a big ass sword in that box."

Cartman paled slightly at the mention of more, similar wood-stabby futures. "W-Well, the manual did say that they could get jobs and earn income…"

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"What are they talking about over there?" asked Sadik as he threw a backwards glance towards the bickering pair. Cartman and Stan, he believed, were their names. The one he was playing games with was... Kenny. Yeah, Kenny.

Kenny gave him a shrug and a muffle as a reply.

Sadik exhaled out of annoyance. this guy only talked in muffles, geez. What is he, mute? The lack of responses he was getting from Kenny was beginning to grind on his nerves.

_-You died...-_

Sadik swore under his breath as Kenny beat him for what seemed to be the umpteenth time in the row. Holy damn, this kid was good. Sadik himself was beginning to feel pretty old compared to the teen next to him...

Some slight shouting occurred in the background, but it quickly ceased, with Cartman and Stan quickly returned, both appearing alright.

"Okay." Stan folded his arms as Kenny and Sadik faced him, taking a pause in the game. "Sadik. We, apparently, have been designated as your owners."

Sadik nodded slowly. This one always seemed hesitant, careful of his words. "Just one question. How old are you guys?"

All three of the boys looked at each. "Well... Cartman's 14, but Kenny and I both are 13."

Sadik's eyebrows shot up. "That young? Most unit buyers are female and 16-ish!"

"Not this again..." mutter Cartman quietly.

"Cartman," (insert dirty look at Cartman from Stan here) "decided buying you units was an excellent way to get rich by selling you. Luckily, I managed to talk him out of it, so you don't have to kill him. For now."

Sadik threw a suspicious look over at the chubby one. He already didn't seem very kind nor did he look like the type that was trustworthy. And now that he was planning to sell him off for profit...

"Mmmph." Kenny muffled. "Mmmmph? (Should we call over Kyle?)"

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In the end, Stan and Kenny voted to call Kyle over, despite Cartman's protests. While Kyle took no time to arrive at Cartman's house, the two quickly began to argue and bicker. Kenny decided inspect the manual thoroughly, with Stan looking over occasionally.

"Mmph!" Kenny exclaimed. "Mmmph mmf! (Wow, apparently they can get laid by other units, not to mention start relationships!)"

Stan briefly look over. "Cool. Does it say anything else?"

"Mmmmf. Mmmph. (Well there is a unit he apparently hates, Heracle Karpusi, but there's a chance for a romance between them. Or hate sex."

Stan chuckled, and then turned back to Sadik, who was looking contented as he watched the said Cartman and Kyle spar with each other.

"Those two hate each other, don't they?" mused Sadik as he watched Cartman and Kyle squabble.

"Tell me about it," sighed Stan.

"How do you four even manage being in a group together?" Sadik inquired.

Stan gave a shrug in reply. "Honestly, I don't know either."

"I would have though that a friendship between two people like them would have occurred only in once in a million circumstances." said the Turk, absorbed in thought.

"Like you having hate sex with a Heracles Karpusi unit?" Stan asked innocently.

Sadik's face flushed red and snapped, "Shut up. That never happened, you bastard."


End file.
